How to Not Write a Blogpost, Especially On A New Blog That Still Doesn’t Have Any Dedicated Readers, Especially When You’re Not Even Regular With Posting Shit On The Blog and Are Posting After Such A Long Time That Even People Who Have Read This Blog Before And Liked It Don’t Remember It Anymore
Prologue: The Psychotic Fractal
Me: Must. Write. Blogpost.
Voice in my Head (VimH): It’s been too long. You’re rusty now.
Me: Shut up! I am gonna do it!
VimH: Hahaha! Or as they say now ROFLMAOSPZQY or whatever. You can’t write shit.
Voice in the Head of the Voice in my Head (VimH2): Leave him alone! Let him write!
VimH: Where did you come from? I’m just a disembodied voice in his head! I don’t even have a head for a voice to be in!
Me: This is making less and less sense as it goes on. Let me just get on with the blogpost.
VimH2: Oooh! That’s exciting! What are you going to write about?
VimH3: That’s just stupid. How can you be excited about something you don’t even know anything about?
VimH: He has no idea what he’s going to write about. That’s why he’s inventing all these recursive voices in heads like a psychotic Mandelbrot set or something.
Me: All of you just shut up! I totally know what I am going to write about.
VimHVimH: And what exactly is that?
Chapter 1: The Hangal Saga Episode 1: BURN!
Chapter 2: MOM, Mars, Mangal, Milan and Modi
If you have been alive/logged in to FB over the last couple of days you already know that our very own Mangalyaan has entered Mars’ orbit successfully. Even the unpatriotic pseudo-sickular Khangress AAPtard Liberal Pro-Pakistan Beef-eating Nazis had to begrudgingly accept the greatness of this achievement.
But what exactly is the purpose of the Mars Orbital Mission? What is the…er…Mission?
If you believe the Wikipedia article, the mission is a “technology demonstrator” project aiming to develop the technologies required for design, planning, management, and operations of an interplanetary mission. (A rough translation of this would be: “We can send something to Mars, everybody! And we can do it f***ing cheap! So next time you want to send some shit up into space, remember us.”)
The secondary objective is to explore Mars’ surface features, morphology, mineralogy and Martian atmosphere using indigenous scientific instruments. But nobody gives a shit about the secondary objective that even sounds so boring compared to “we sent a thing to Mars everybody!”
So, mission accomplished, I guess.
But is that all we wanted? Don’t we want to somehow influence Mangal to decrease its harmful influence on our lives? Don’t we want to put some sort of pressure on that infernal red planet so that it stops dooming the marriageability of normal people by making an appearance in the wrong house in their kundlis? Of course. But we won’t say that out loud because Western scientists make fun of us when we talk about totally real not made up at all important stuff like Rahukaalam and Shani Dosh.
But how exactly do we plan to achieve this real mission of Mangalyaan?
For the answer we must turn to the man who has the answers to all the questions that face India.
Der Fuhrer. Our Glorious Leader. Our Lord and Saviour, the Messiah of Bharat in this New Age.
Yes, the greatest orator that has ever lived in the history of mankind, a man who totally captivated 31% of 66.4% of the entire voting population of India with his amazing speeches, gave yet another amazing speech at the MOMentous occasion…and within it was contained the answer to this question.
“Aaj MOM ka Mangal se milan ho gaya. Aur Mangal ko MOM mil gayi.”
Yes. This is not a mere satellite that we have sent into Mars’ orbit. It’s a MOM (this also provides an answer to how we could reach Mars in a budget less than the film Gravity…Indian MOMs can do everything for far cheaper than you can imagine!)
Now what does a good Indian MOM do when her son starts to enter the wrong houses of people’s kundlis and wreak havoc? She berates him, cajoles him, nags him, emotionally blackmails him, leaves his house to go and live with Shashi Kapoor…does everything she can to bring her wayward son to the right path. Have no fear Mangliks, coz MOM’s got your back, now!
Chapter 3: Random Visual Puns From Times Bygone
Chapter 4: OMG – TOI shows it’s Assholes!
In a distant and forgotten era, a newspaper’s website used to post numerous “photo-essays” dedicated to female celebrities and their body parts. The sole purpose of these “stories” was titillating the people who think the moral fabric of our nation has weakened and have no idea that tons of actual, full on, no holds barred porn is available free of cost on the internet.
They kept on posting these lewd, blatantly sexist and crass articles with impunity for years and not a single Facebook feminist ever said anything about it. But then out of this parochial darkness arose a ray of hope…to fight against objectification and deep-seated misogyny a true champion came forward. And her name was Deepika Padukone.
This proponent of women’s rights did not just emerge when TOI wrote “OMG: Deepika Padukone shows cleavage.” She had been silently waiting for many years to show us all how feminist she really was, but had never got the chance.
She started her career with a double role in Om Shanti Om…playing the beautiful object of the hero’s desire who dies tragically and the person the hero gets to impersonate the object of his desire in a complicated reincarnation-involving revenge drama. She played a double role in another movie, Chandni Chowk to China as two half-Chinese half-Indian twin sisters, one of whom is the beautiful object of the hero’s desire and the other is the inexplicably Chinese-er Suzy a.k.a Meow Meow.
She went on to play a variety of roles in many films including the beautiful object of the hero’s desire in Love Aaj Kal; the beautiful object of the hero’s desire in Housefull; the beautiful object of two characters’ desires and the daughter of a character in Aarakshan; the beautiful temporary object of the hero’s desire who is not suitable because she is too Western and is overlooked for a more “Desi girl” in Cocktail; and of course, the racist caricature beautiful object of the middle aged hero’s desire in Chennai Express.
Of course someone of her standing couldn’t stand by while a stupid newspaper exploited her with a blatantly exploitative headline like “OMG: Deepika Padukone shows cleavage.” So she responded on Twitter with something to the effect of “I’m a woman. I have breasts. Therefore, cleavage. What’s the big fucking deal?”
But such a subtle rebuke (which went viral and made news) wouldn’t be enough for the pig-headed assholes at TOI so she went on to write a detailed and impassioned diatribe against the systematic objectification of all women (especially celebrities) on Facebook. And that’s when she freed us all from the bonds that tied us to the bullshit served up by TOI in its greedy quest for money and power.
All hail Deepika. The voice of feminism. The destroyer of objectification.
Epilogue: Ganga Style?
I just did this because I wanted to. I know ‘Gangnam Style’ is ancient history by now and it is too late by far to be jumping on to this memewagon…but whatever. I couldn’t think of a more fitting end to this Blogpost.