My Choice(st) Abuses!

I was going to write about Surakksha, the awesome debut of the awesome Gunmaster G9 played by the awesome Mithun Chakraborty.

2

But as I was about to start writing, I went online (as is my habit…I tend to spend waste some a lot of time before I get anything done) and checked my FB and Twitter feeds (while on that subject…follow me @zudeligumph yo!)…and, as usual, saw people doing what they do best online. Outrage.

What were they outraging about? Something about AAP? One of the many hashtags started by the Outrager-in-Chief Arnab and his minions at Times Now? Against one of the hashtags started by the Outrager-in-Chief Arnab and his minions at Times Now? The Beef Ban? Documentary Ban? Something else banned? Deepika Padukone’s boobs?

Nope, nope, nope and many more nopes. (Except the last one which might be a maybe.)

This time the ire and hyperbole was all around an innocuous sounding hashtag (#mychoice) and this video…

Now since this is a “trending topic” most of what can be said about this video has been said already. There are feminists calling out the video for being superficial and vacuous. Some have interpreted it as an elitist version of faux feminism removed from ground realities, reinforced by the choice of women featured in it. There have of course been those saying that Vogue should be the last people to talk about feminism in general and body image issues specifically. But of course the loudest opponents are the chauvinist men whose key takeaway from this video are the lines about premarital and extramarital sex…who have been saying stuff like “this is what is wrong with feminism” and “equality, not feminism” and “men also shouldn’t be judged for their choices”. [What they forget is that actual feminists are the first people to disagree with this video, feminism is actually about equality and that men have been doing whatever the fuck they want without any woman being able to pass judgment for centuries now.]

And of course there were a few people trying to meekly defend it…it could be a starting point for a conversation (which it certainly has become); any sort of expression against misogyny and sexism in India should be welcome; the only disagreeable “choice” mentioned in the video is “sex outside marriage”; ad hominem attacks on Deepika and Vogue do not disprove the points made in the video. [The fact that Vogue made it doesn’t render the video invalid, but it does make it questionable…it is kind of like a video promoting the idea of a Hindu Rashtra produced by the Owaisi brothers.]

This image is FAKE. Please don't kill me, nuts of either side.

This image is FAKE. Please don’t kill me, nuts of either side.

I agree with a lot of the criticism…and the counterpoints. But I vehemently object to so many people saying all these things about this video. Because you talked about it so much that you made me watch this little piece of shit. And that is two and a half minutes of my life that I will never get back. [As I write this it has more than 3.5 million views, which is around 146,000 man hours person hours wasted on this tripe already.]

If I haven’t made it clear yet, I hate the video. But my hate has nothing to do with the ideas behind it or expressed in it. I hate it because it is a bad fucking video.

It is pretentious as fuck. There is not a strand of novelty in what has been said, how it has been said or the audio-visual treatment of it all. Deepika’s voice acting is horrible (it is monotonous, without any life or sense of purpose in it). It is pretentious as fuck.

And the writing…is just wow. Very early on, we are hit with this gem of a line “To use cotton and silk to trap my soul is to believe you can halt the expansion of the universe.”

shantanu2

But that is nothing compared to the ending…

I am the tree. Not the forest. I am not the snowflake. I am the snowfall. You are the snowflake. I am the universe. Infinite in every direction.

Now that is either something written by a Teenaged Angsty Emo Poet (sing it out like the TMNT theme song, you know you want to) or something Jaden Smith tweeted.

"Unawareness Is The Only Sin, And If You Were Aware You Would Know." - Guru Jaden Ji Maharaj

“Unawareness Is The Only Sin, And If You Were Aware You Would Know.” – Guru Jaden Ji Maharaj

If this video does ‘empower’ anyone, they really needed that empowerment. For everyone else, chill out and move on. It is not worth the time and effort you’re putting into arguing about it.

And for all you smartasses beginning to point out that I have put in time and effort to argue about it right now…well that’s just #MyChoice.

P.S. The post on Surakksha will also get written. Once I’m done watching the sequel Wardat. Meanwhile, enjoy this gif from the film.

6

Of MOM, OMG and Other Randomness

OR

How to Not Write a Blogpost, Especially On A New Blog That Still Doesn’t Have Any Dedicated Readers, Especially When You’re Not Even Regular With Posting Shit On The Blog and Are Posting After Such A Long Time That Even People Who Have Read This Blog Before And Liked It Don’t Remember It Anymore

 

Prologue: The Psychotic Fractal

Me: Must. Write. Blogpost.

Voice in my Head (VimH): It’s been too long. You’re rusty now.

Me: Shut up! I am gonna do it!

VimH: Hahaha! Or as they say now ROFLMAOSPZQY or whatever. You can’t write shit.

Voice in the Head of the Voice in my Head (VimH2): Leave him alone! Let him write!

VimH: Where did you come from? I’m just a disembodied voice in his head! I don’t even have a head for a voice to be in!

Me: This is making less and less sense as it goes on. Let me just get on with the blogpost.

VimH2: Oooh! That’s exciting! What are you going to write about?

VimH3: That’s just stupid. How can you be excited about something you don’t even know anything about?

VimH: He has no idea what he’s going to write about. That’s why he’s inventing all these recursive voices in heads like a psychotic Mandelbrot set or something.

Me: All of you just shut up! I totally know what I am going to write about.

VimHVimH: And what exactly is that?

 

Chapter 1: The Hangal Saga Episode 1: BURN!

hangal-1

Chapter 2: MOM, Mars, Mangal, Milan and Modi

If you have been alive/logged in to FB over the last couple of days you already know that our very own Mangalyaan has entered Mars’ orbit successfully. Even the unpatriotic pseudo-sickular Khangress AAPtard Liberal Pro-Pakistan Beef-eating Nazis had to begrudgingly accept the greatness of this achievement.

But what exactly is the purpose of the Mars Orbital Mission? What is the…er…Mission?

If you believe the Wikipedia article, the mission is a “technology demonstrator” project aiming to develop the technologies required for design, planning, management, and operations of an interplanetary mission. (A rough translation of this would be: “We can send something to Mars, everybody! And we can do it f***ing cheap! So next time you want to send some shit up into space, remember us.”)

The secondary objective is to explore Mars’ surface features, morphology, mineralogy and Martian atmosphere using indigenous scientific instruments. But nobody gives a shit about the secondary objective that even sounds so boring compared to “we sent a thing to Mars everybody!”

So, mission accomplished, I guess.

But is that all we wanted? Don’t we want to somehow influence Mangal to decrease its harmful influence on our lives? Don’t we want to put some sort of pressure on that infernal red planet so that it stops dooming the marriageability of normal people by making an appearance in the wrong house in their kundlis? Of course. But we won’t say that out loud because Western scientists make fun of us when we talk about totally real not made up at all important stuff like Rahukaalam and Shani Dosh.

But how exactly do we plan to achieve this real mission of Mangalyaan?

For the answer we must turn to the man who has the answers to all the questions that face India. Der Fuhrer. Our Glorious Leader. Our Lord and Saviour, the Messiah of Bharat in this New Age.

mordor

Yes, the greatest orator that has ever lived in the history of mankind, a man who totally captivated 31% of 66.4% of the entire voting population of India with his amazing speeches, gave yet another amazing speech at the MOMentous occasion…and within it was contained the answer to this question.

“Aaj MOM ka Mangal se milan ho gaya. Aur Mangal ko MOM mil gayi.”

ISRO was actually inspired by this film.

ISRO was actually inspired by this film.

Yes. This is not a mere satellite that we have sent into Mars’ orbit. It’s a MOM (this also provides an answer to how we could reach Mars in a budget less than the film Gravity…Indian MOMs can do everything for far cheaper than you can imagine!)

Now what does a good Indian MOM do when her son starts to enter the wrong houses of people’s kundlis and wreak havoc? She berates him, cajoles him, nags him, emotionally blackmails him, leaves his house to go and live with Shashi Kapoor…does everything she can to bring her wayward son to the right path. Have no fear Mangliks, coz MOM’s got your back, now!

 

Chapter 3: Random Visual Puns From Times Bygone

 

So much better than Ranvir Singh.

So much better than Ranvir Singh.

Iska matlab samjhe Daya?

Iska matlab samjhe Daya?

Kai is algae (that green scum on the water surface) in Hindi

When it is done and Gotham is ashes, then you have my permission to die. Theek chhe?

When it is done and Gotham is ashes, then you have my permission to die. Theek chhe?

 

Chapter 4: OMG – TOI shows it’s Assholes!

 

In a distant and forgotten era, a newspaper’s website used to post numerous “photo-essays” dedicated to female celebrities and their body parts. The sole purpose of these “stories” was titillating the people who think the moral fabric of our nation has weakened and have no idea that tons of actual, full on, no holds barred porn is available free of cost on the internet.

They kept on posting these lewd, blatantly sexist and crass articles with impunity for years and not a single Facebook feminist ever said anything about it. But then out of this parochial darkness arose a ray of hope…to fight against objectification and deep-seated misogyny a true champion came forward. And her name was Deepika Padukone.

This proponent of women’s rights did not just emerge when TOI wrote “OMG: Deepika Padukone shows cleavage.” She had been silently waiting for many years to show us all how feminist she really was, but had never got the chance.

She started her career with a double role in Om Shanti Om…playing the beautiful object of the hero’s desire who dies tragically and the person the hero gets to impersonate the object of his desire in a complicated reincarnation-involving revenge drama. She played a double role in another movie, Chandni Chowk to China as two half-Chinese half-Indian twin sisters, one of whom is the beautiful object of the hero’s desire and the other is the inexplicably Chinese-er Suzy a.k.a Meow Meow.

She went on to play a variety of roles in many films including the beautiful object of the hero’s desire in Love Aaj Kal; the beautiful object of the hero’s desire in Housefull; the beautiful object of two characters’ desires and the daughter of a character in Aarakshan; the beautiful temporary object of the hero’s desire who is not suitable because she is too Western and is overlooked for a more “Desi girl” in Cocktail; and of course, the racist caricature beautiful object of the middle aged hero’s desire in Chennai Express.

Of course someone of her standing couldn’t stand by while a stupid newspaper exploited her with a blatantly exploitative headline like “OMG: Deepika Padukone shows cleavage.” So she responded on Twitter with something to the effect of “I’m a woman. I have breasts. Therefore, cleavage. What’s the big fucking deal?”

But such a subtle rebuke (which went viral and made news) wouldn’t be enough for the pig-headed assholes at TOI so she went on to write a detailed and impassioned diatribe against the systematic objectification of all women (especially celebrities) on Facebook. And that’s when she freed us all from the bonds that tied us to the bullshit served up by TOI in its greedy quest for money and power.

All hail Deepika. The voice of feminism. The destroyer of objectification.

 

Epilogue: Ganga Style?

I just did this because I wanted to. I know ‘Gangnam Style’ is ancient history by now and it is too late by far to be jumping on to this memewagon…but whatever. I couldn’t think of a more fitting end to this Blogpost.